Parenting Through Separation and Divorce

Acknowledging Grief

No matter what the circumstances, children experience some loss when their parents separate. That doesn’t mean it is healthy to stay together for their sake; recognising their grief process means you can support them through it.

At times, all of you might feel denial, anger, guilt and sadness. Your children might try to bargain in obvious and subtle ways. If they suddenly start behaving ‘perfectly’, cleaning their rooms, etc., they could be hoping it will save your marriage. Reassure them that the break-up is not their fault and it is an adult decision that they cannot change.

They may also lash out at one or both parents. While you shouldn’t start tolerating rude or cruel behaviour, remember not to take it personally. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings with you, your former partner or another trusted adult.

Consistency

Kids find comfort in their regular activities and social life. If you normally have pizza on a certain night of the week, continue that family tradition. Bedtime routines are always important, so prioritise continuing theirs. After the dust has settled a bit, you can develop new traditions to fit your new lives, but initially sticking to their normal routine will help them feel that the world is still a safe and predictable place.

Avoid the temptation to indulge them with extra toys or treats or to abandon household rules. Keeping to their regular chores, for example, is part of the consistency they need. Children can act out to test if the boundaries have changed. Showing them that you are still enforcing those boundaries actually comforts them.

Protection

Even the most mutually agreed, amiable separation and divorce can involve conflict. Protecting children from that is important. Avoid discussing any aspect of your divorce around them – the reasons for it, any legal proceedings or any disagreements.

Never use your children as messengers. Don’t ask them to tell or ask your ex anything for you. If you can’t speak to your ex directly, find an adult intermediary such as your solicitor or a friend.

Self-Expression

Children will have a lot of big feelings about this seismic change to their lives. It won’t always be easy to just listen without trying to talk them out of how they feel or cheer them up, but that’s what they need – to be heard. Trying to put a positive spin on things can make them feel that their feelings are not important or not acceptable. They need to know that their sadness, anger, confusion, etc. are normal and accepted and that they can ask questions.

Older children should have some say in visitation and custody arrangements, unless this would be unsafe. Listen to their concerns about how moving between two households could affect their activities and social life, and consider their thoughts about how to help them maintain their current routine.

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Tips for Positive Co-Parenting

Like they say on airplanes, strap on your own oxygen mask first. It’s easier to grapple with the difficulties of co-parenting when your own needs are being met. And if your children are spending time with their other parent, that can often provide you with more time for yourself.

Developing a written parenting agreement with your ex might sound uptight, but it is a proactive way to manage potential conflict. Focus on what you agree about, such as some basic rules that apply in both homes. Include plans for what to do if your custody schedule needs to change on short notice. Who can mind the children? Try to agree some ground rules for introducing the kids to anyone either of you is dating. How long should you wait if the other parent fails to show up for a visit? It is a good idea to have a Plan B for something fun to do with the kids if they get stood up.

During the process of separation and divorce, and afterwards, always strive to be positive and united around the children. Don’t criticise each other in front of them. Asking your kids how their time with their other parent was is fine. It lets them know it is okay to talk about what they did. But avoid a lot of detailed questions so they don’t feel they are being cross-examined.

The process of ending a relationship and building new, separate lives can be painful for everyone. But the long-term outcome can be infinitely healthier and happier for both of you and for the children. Some divorced parents feel that their children get more of each of them because they both have some child-free time to focus on self-care.

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The post How to Support Your Child During Separation and Divorce appeared first on MyKidsTime.

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For many, Valentine’s Day is chocolate and flowers – but spending time together is the best bit. That doesn’t have to mean a night out to a fancy restaurant, it should be something that you both feel comfortable with – and, often, challenging yourself to spend little (or even nothing) can push you both to be as creative as possible!

These fun ideas for Valentines Day are all FREE – what else would you add to our list?

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Get Loved Up with These Valentines Day Ideas

#1. Write little love notes

Put a note in their jacket pocket, bag or by their toiletries to tell them how much you love and appreciate them.

#2. Make breakfast with a ‘love’ twist

Make some heart shaped healthy pancakes for a delicious breakfast option, or how about some heart egg toast? Use a cookie cutter to cut out a heart shape in a piece of bread, then crack an egg into the heart and fry gently.

If you don’t have time for a full blown Valentine’s breakfast, bring your other half a cup of coffee or tea in bed before the day gets busy – even simple, thoughtful acts can show your love.

#3. Make a photo booth strip

Image: Catholic Sprouts

Isn’t this such a cool idea?

A photo booth-style strip is a fun memento – just like when you were kids! You can make your own DIY photo strip from 4 of your favourite photos together.

#4. Make a playlist of favourite songs

The modern equivalent of mix tapes! Create a special playlist of either their favourite songs or favourites that marked milestones in your relationship. Or just browse Spotify for some suggested Valentines tunes.

#5. Watch a movie together

You could choose a romantic classic like The Notebook or Gone with the Wind, but one of my favourite romantic films is Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy – it’s fun and sweet and ideal for watching with your other half.

Really, the movie itself doesn’t have to be romantic though – especially if that’s not the type of genre that appeals to either/both of you. Something funny is just as good because it gets you giggling together!

#6. Make a Homemade Valentine Card

You don’t need a shop-bought card to say how you feel. Save money and get creative by making a homemade card. It’s more likely to be cherished than anything you could buy in a shop.

#7. Post a Post-it!

Cover you other half’s mirrors with Post-it notes in a heart shape listing all the things you love about them.

#8. Print some Love Coupons for Kids

Image: Catch My Party

Hey let’s not forget about the kids. I love these free printable love coupons from Catch My Party perfect for popping under their cereal bowl or in their lunchbox.

The coupons include:

• No chores for the day
• Family trip for ice cream
• Stay up for 30 mins past your bedtime
• Game night – you pick the game
• 30 minutes extra on computer or phone time

#9. Have some outdoor time together

Go for a long walk on the beach or in the forest or make a picnic lunch to enjoy on a bench in the park together. A rug to sit on and hot soup/tea/chocolate in a flask are good to take if the weather is a bit chilly.

Good one for together time and also to get away from the kids (and technology) for a bit!

#10. Give a foot massage

Grab a towel, some warm water in a tub, some moisturiser or massage oil and treat your partner to a foot massage. Soak their feet then dry off and massage the moisturiser/massage oil gently while they lie back and relax!

#11. I Love You Because…

Make and print a little “I Love You Because…” picture and pop it into a picture frame. You can use a dry erase marker to fill in the blank and change it every week, to keep the warm fuzzy feeling going past Valentine’s Day!

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#12. Have dinner by candlelight

Candles definitely make things more romantic. Have dinner by candlelight for a change. Or use tea lights around the living room and switch off the lights for a cosy, intimate snuggle.

#13. Go stargazing

Tuck the kids in bed and step out in the back garden for some stargazing. If you are not familiar with constellations or planets, download a free app like Sky Map for Android or iOS to help you find some amazing stars.

#14. Make a book of vouchers

Last but not least, make a little book of vouchers with treats like “Back massage” or “Your choice of tv for the night” for a nice touch.

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The post 14 Ideas for Valentine’s Day That Won’t Cost a Penny appeared first on MyKidsTime.

Rainbows Ireland has a national reach of programme delivery to children and young people in primary and secondary schools, family resource centres and youth and community projects.

These children are not sick, they do not need medical treatment. However, they do need support as they struggle to adapt and adjust to a changed world following the death of someone they love or their family changing after parents separate.

Below, two families who were supported by Rainbows Ireland tell their story.

How Rainbows Helped My Family With Separation

I will be eternally grateful to Rainbows Ireland as they helped my two daughters when my marriage broke down. My daughters were 14 and 8 at the time and they felt like they were the only children in the world whose Daddy had left the family home.

By attending Rainbows, they got to interact with other children in the same situation and, through group sessions with children of a similar age they realised “it’s not just me”. It was reassuring for them as they worked through the programme that there would be good days and it gave them coping skills for the sad days.

As a parent, you battle daily trying to keep strong for your children when your world is falling apart around you. You are dealing with your own emotions and the loneliness separation brings, maybe financial pressure and all the worldly worries, but you are still a parent and have to deal with your children’s emotions also.

It is tough to try to have the right answers all the time and stay strong, but the programme the children go through helps by giving them the language they need to express themselves, coping skills, learning about their feelings, and knowing that while their family is not what it used to be, that you are still a family and that there are all kinds of families.

I feel my daughters were better prepared for the world around them with the skills they developed from attending Rainbows workshops. They were not afraid to express their emotions, and by talking about them it stopped them bottling up anger and resentment.

As they have grown, I feel it has helped ground them as they progressed into teenagers and on to adulthood. It also made our bond stronger as we worked through emotions together, and Rainbows equipped them for this. They knew Mammy was sad, but they knew talking together was the best way to work situations out and Rainbows gave them this confidence.

How Rainbows Helped My Family With Bereavement

Rainbows Ireland helped my child and I during a very difficult time as we dealt with our grief and the loss of my child’s father, who was my best friend and husband.

I had never heard of Rainbows until my sister approached me to say that she really thought that my daughter and I should look at their service. We were at a crossroad in our grief, going two steps forward and three steps back. We had some good days, more terrible days. And there were unbearable days I didn’t think we could get through.

I had an overwhelming sense of fear – how can we do this without him? This was not part of the plan! How can I get us through this? When will it get better? Why us? When will we be better? So many questions which nobody could answer, or so I thought.

Rainbows were there to help us and that support was life-changing. The answer was ‘this is a one day at a time journey and you can only do your best’. The answer was getting help, and as a parent this is the best advice I can give – ask the experts. You are not failing, you are being a good parent who is trying your best for your child.

Our Bereavement Journey

As a parent you want to shield your child from death, but death is inevitable. Death is something you cannot protect your child from. You just hope they get many years where they will not have to experience grief up close and personal, but mostly this is not something you can plan or avoid. The pain of grief comes in many forms and the one thing I have learned is that we all grieve so differently.

Our journey began the morning my child was born, when my 59-year-old mother collapsed suddenly and passed away after no illness or any warning.

At her funeral, my young, healthy husband turned to me and said “I have a terrible pain in my side and it’s not going away”. I knew looking at him that this was serious.

After scans and tests we got the news that you truly only believe will happen to somebody else. We were told very bluntly and clearly that he had stage 4 terminal lung cancer. It was treatable, but not curable and the doctors told us he had, at best, around three years.

We went home, sat with our new child and cried. After the initial shock, we decided we were going to live our best life. We did as best we could until my husband died following a very brave and dignified battle – exactly 3 years and 3 months later.

My then 4-year-old went into complete shock, she was inconsolable and cried nightly for months on end for her father. He had been her main carer while I went to work during his illness, and they were inseparable.

We thought we had prepared her, that Daddy was sick and that Daddy was very unwell. But there is no preparing a child, or any of us, for death and when we told her that her Daddy had died, her first words were “are we not a family anymore?” I could not believe it. Kids can be very real in their views and vision at that moment in time.

I found that her support needs changed over the years. What she needed at age 4 was different from what she needed at 8 and now, as she turns 12, I see a new need there.

Rainbows gave me the tools to understand this. Rainbows let my child see that it was not just her, that she was not alone, that other children her age have lost parents too and that we are not different. She could interact with her peers for the first time.

Rainbows helped her and I get our family unit back, they pulled our little team of two together to see our new view, our new role, our new reality of two.

They gave me the confidence to see that we were moving forward, in an age-appropriate way. That it was “normal” to have bad days and it was OK to have good days too.

I am eternally grateful that we reached out to Rainbows and I would recommend anyone who is going through a similar situation to get support too.

How To Get In Touch With Rainbows Ireland

If you need help from Rainbows, please get in touch through the website or email ask@rainbowsireland.ie.

If you would like to donate to help Rainbows Ireland keep their support service going, you can do so here.

The post How Rainbows Ireland Supports Families Dealing with Bereavement and Separation appeared first on MyKidsTime.

Don’t miss the chance to have your say! We’re looking for parents to get involved and give their feedback on all aspects of family life. Find out more here.

Because of our jobs, my husband and I live away from our families, so our kids have had to have a different kind of relationship with their grandparents. But the good news is they are very close to their grandparents because we do have regular contact and make efforts in different ways since we can’t visit them.

If you’re looking for ways to keep kids in touch with grandparents because you can’t visit, here are some great suggestions.

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Easy Ways to Keep Kids In Touch With Grandparents

Phone Calls

Ok, I know this sounds a bit obvious, but with all the communication tools and technology we have, it’s sometimes easy to forget about actually making a voice call!

Grandparents love to hear the sound of their grandchildren’s voices and they are the generation that grew up with the good old telephone after all.

Video Calls

Now that we are used to using more technological approaches to contact, video calls are easy to make. We use either Skype, Zoom, Facetime or Whatsapp. My mum and I even tried out Facebook Messenger’s video call option recently and it worked reasonably well too.

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Write a Letter

Go really old school and get your child to write a letter to post to Grandma and Grandpa. I guarantee this will be treasured!

If your child isn’t writing yet, they could draw a picture or handprint art which can be posted. Posting a letter in the letterbox is also a novelty for children, we just don’t send or receive letters the way we used to.

Send a Postcard

Shorter and quicker to write than a letter, a postcard can also be fun for grandparents to receive.

This is a lovely idea – An Post has launched a “Come Together. Write Now” campaign encouraging communities to stay in touch during this unprecedented period of social distancing and isolation. It’s a great opportunity to stay in touch and keep spirits up while those we love are cooped up at home. They are delivering 2 postcards to every house in Ireland which you can write and post for free.

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Send a Greeting Card

There are several online companies, such as Moonpig and Funky Pigeon, which offer a paid greeting card service. You choose the card you want, personalise it with a message, pay online and they will send it out to your chosen recipient.

Send an eCard

If your parents are on email, there are eCard services that your child can use to send an eCard to their grandparents. 123greetings.com and BlueMountain.com offer free ecards, and there are other paid services like Hallmarkecards.com as well.

Write an Email

If your child is old enough to type, why not set them up with an email address (or use yours) to email their grandparents? Most kids are not really used to using email so this is a novelty for them as well. And looking in the inbox to see if Grandpa replied is fun!

Record a Video

Why not have your child record a little video for their grandparents? It could be them just chatting, telling a story, singing a song, or sharing an activity they are doing or showing off a drawing or LEGO creation they made.

You can host videos privately on YouTube or Vimeo so that only the person who receives the video link can view it.

Record a Voice Message

For something a bit different, why not record an audio or voice message from your child? Most smartphones offer a recording option or you can record on your laptop/computer and send by email then.

Send SMS

I’m sure this seems a bit obvious again, but your child might enjoy texting your mum and/or your dad on your phone if they are too young. Why not suggest they use only emojis for their next SMS and see if Grandma and Grandpa can reply in emoji too!

Chat on iMessage or Whatsapp

Free chat options abound nowadays what with iMessage (if both sender and recipient have Apple products) or Whatsapp which are very popular for keeping in touch with family members.

Send a Mini Care Package

Does your child’s grandparent have a favourite sweetie? Make up a mini care package to post to them. Include some drawings from your child, maybe even a printed recent photo of them, little things to make them smile when they open their package.

Make a Movie

Maybe your child would be up for making a movie to send to their grandparents. iMovie is fun if you have an iPhone or iPad, and they could even dress up and write a script story for it.

Or if you have an unused digital video camera, why not set them loose with it?

Make a Photo Sequence

Get your child to pick out some recent photos that you have saved and make a little photo story out of them to send to their Nana and Papa – these could be printed or sent electronically. Have your child write little descriptions about what’s going on in each photo.

Make a Shared Photo Album

Create a shared photo album that your parents can access and add a bunch of photos of the kids. You can create shared albums with Apple or Google Photos.

Create a Story

Your child might like to create a story for their grandparents, and maybe even illustrate it. It could be a story about something they have been doing or a completely creative made-up one with them as the hero.

Or maybe you could play Consequences by chat or email!

Make a Shared Playlist

You can create a collaborative playlist on services like Spotify where the playlist owner can give access to other users have access to add other tracks. This could be a fun way to share favourite songs.

Create a Family Tree Together

Have your child interview one or both of their grandparents, and write or draw the stories that they tell about their childhood and other relatives.

Older kids could put together a family tree with the help of their grandparents.

Play a Game Together Online

This could be where you plan an actual board game like Boggle using Facetime or Skype, where each person can see the game and then writes down their list of words.

Or it could be using a game app like Words With Friends where you take it in turns to play each other.

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What other suggestions do you have for ways to keep kids in touch with grandparents when you can’t visit them? Leave a comment below and let us know – we’d love to hear from you!

The post Creative Ways to Keep Kids in Touch with Grandparents appeared first on MyKidsTime.

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The mantra ‘it takes a village’ may be accurate and ideal, but is increasingly difficult to find community in our lives, when we often live apart from our extended family, work full time and may not know our neighbours. One way to get around this is to encourage your child’s relationship with their grandparents.

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Getting to Know Grandparents

Grandparents are a wealth of knowledge, experience and joy that give your child the opportunity for a unique relationship.

Grandchildren are a delight – according to my own parents, there is nothing better than being able to have all the fun and not have to deal with the sleepless nights, constant worry and other parental pleasures! They have the added benefit of a ‘been there, done that’ experience where they have gone through it all before and learned from their mistakes. Although hopefully they pass some of this wisdom on to us parents.

In an ideal world, the family dynamic made up of you, your child and your parents will be harmonious and untroubled. However, in reality, many couples find that their own parents’ involvement with their children can give rise to areas of conflict; a degree of unwanted interference, some critical judgment and clashes of opinion.

With careful handling and a little compromise however, you can get around these potential stumbling blocks and ensure that the relationship between all of you is as special as it can be.

Sharing Tips and Advice

It can be galling to have unwanted advice handed out from your parents or in-laws, but when you think about it, it’s perfectly understandable that the older generation will feel they have more life experience to bring to the table when it comes to raising a child.

The key is to look for areas of compromise – agree with whatever pieces of advice sound reasonable, express gratitude for your parents’ or in-laws’ interest, but stand your ground.

There is a wealth of parenting opinion and advice available now, much more so than our parents and grandparents had access to, so it is not unreasonable for them to have a different view and experience. Rather than making this a constant source of disagreement and discord, take the time to chat about how different approaches work with different personalities, or how school curriculums and expectations have changed, and so on.

Grandparents’ Rules (or Lack Thereof!)

Grandparents usually love nothing more than to spoil their grandchildren with little treats like sweets, money, toys and so on. If you feel the treats are getting out of hand, or that your child is beginning to take them for granted or expect the same at home, explain gently that whilst you’re very grateful for their generosity it might be better if you could all agree a maximum number of treats per visit.

Why not suggest that your parents or in-laws substitute some of their material gifts with other special treats, like teaching your child a new card game, going for an extra trip to the park, an afternoon at the cinema, or even reading a favourite book together?

It’s an area where you can probably compromise, however – if you have a policy at home around sweets, for example, you can agree on an amount you’re happy for your child to have when (s)he’s with her grandparents, while explaining to that these are ‘Granny’s rules’, and that things at home won’t be changing! This is a great time to encourage traditions and special routines that are unique to their grandparents’ house.

When Grandparents Are In Charge

With childcare costs often equivalent to or even exceeding monthly mortgage payments, as well as the challenging time spent commuting and juggling drop-offs and collections, many parents are relying more on grandparents for childcare.

When it comes to the day-to-day realities of this kind of childcare solution, it is important to discuss in advance what your expectations are in relation to the daily routine – for example, what snacks are allowed and how many, behaviour and discipline, completing homework, and so on. In addition, it will be important for collection and drop-off times be adhered to in the same way as if you had hired a non-family childminder.

While this childcare arrangement may suit you and be a delight for your parents, the real benefit is how much time your child will get to spend with their grandparents. However, the most important thing to remember is the importance of the family dynamic. Don’t let rules, payment and discipline detract from the grandparent relationship – it may mean finding a new solution if this becomes the case.

The Generation Gap

For grandparents, the relationship with their grandchildren opens their eyes to a whole realm of new ideas and lifestyles – from the hottest apps and most popular toys to the latest styles and technology. And in return, grandparents can offer valuable wisdom and life experience that may seem incredible to their grandchildren.

Hearing stories first-hand, discovering similar likes and dislikes or skills and abilities, is the kind of relationship children cherish for years to come.

There have been numerous studies into the unique nature of grandparent-grandchild relationships, with fascinating results. One such study showed that grandparents who engage regularly with young grandchildren perform significantly better on cognitive tests than those who didn’t; while another study by Boston College researchers over a 19-year period showed that close emotional ties between grandparents and adult grandchildren reduced depressive symptoms in both age groups.

Protecting The Bond

If your child has regular access to his or her grandparents, the relationship will grow and adapt as years go by. Time spent together, even doing everyday tasks, will bring significant reward. So how do you go about actively protecting this grandparent bond if you live some distance from your parents?

Teach your parents and your child the value of technology in maintaining relationships.

• Use FaceTime or Skype
• Send emails
• Make videos
• Use Whatsapp to send photos
• Or just pick up the phone for regular chats.
• You can also send letters – a real joy for children to receive! – and even the youngest child can send a drawing or painting in return.

Encourage any common interests, whether it’s reading, art, getting hands-on in the garden, playing sports, or cooking up a storm. The more time spent together, particularly doing something they both enjoy, is an ideal opportunity to strengthen the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

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How does your child spend time with his or her grandparents? Do they have shared interests that make their time together even more special? Leave a comment below and let us know – we’d love to hear from you!

The post The Special Role of Grandparents in Our Lives appeared first on MyKidsTime.

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Grandparents can be an amazing source of extra love, assistance, advice and security for you and your children. I get so much pleasure out of seeing the relationships my parents and parents in law have with their grandchildren, but I can also see how those relationships could easily break down too.

From parents to in-laws, friends and other relations, you will receive parenting advice from the moment you conceive, or sometimes even before! But in the end, you are the parent so it is up to you what advice you take on board and what you discard.

Setting Boundaries

By setting ground rules from birth, and saying how we feel, the relationship we have with all our children’s grandparents has happily flourished.

Setting boundaries really is the best way to avoid any confusion and interference from grandparents on parenting. From asking them not to undermine you in front of children to what foods and drinks are acceptable, to letting them know routines, by having boundaries in place and ensuring they are adhered to (most of the time!) the relationship will flourish and everyone will benefit.

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Be United and Confident

You and your partner must be united. At times this can be easier said than done, so be prepared for a few battles along your parenting journey.

Remember you are the parents of your children so show that you are united and confident in your parenting choices and that way you are less likely to receive well meaning advice, comments or interference.

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Listen Politely

Often the parenting advice you receive from grandparents is well meant. And remember, they have been on this journey before and although times have changed, some of the advice they give can help!

If it is not vindictive or undermining, it can be better to listen politely. Remember, you don’t have to follow the advice you receive but it will help with your relationship if you can keep discussions non confrontational.

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Choose Your Battles

There are some parenting choices that are non-negotiable but others that are on the fringes. My advice is to choose your battles.

If you or your child(ren) are not going to come to any harm as a result of the interference, sometimes it is better to turn a blind eye. Remember parenting it is all about balance.

So the next time your Mum, Dad or In-Laws offer your child(ren) chocolate/juice or other ‘banned foods’, turn a blind eye. If is is only an occasional treat, is it really that bad? So long as your children understand that this only happens occasionally and they don’t take it for granted or expect the same at home, it can be ok.

Be Less Sensitive

Often interference is well intentioned and a grandparents way of showing they care. Some comments can leave you bristling but so long as they are not undermining or making you feel insecure, try counting to 10 before responding or ignoring them!

When you hear, “that is not the way to hold the child” or “that child should have a coat on” or “have you not potty trained them yet?”, think about your response before getting defensive and becoming adversarial.

In every walk of life there will be compromises, take on board the advice you agree with, show interest and gratitude for well intentioned advice but in the end, stand firm to your own parenting style.

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Neutral Ground

If a grandparent is causing you to become upset and lose confidence in your parenting ability, it is best to discuss it face to face on neutral ground without the children being present.

Explain how you feel in a non confrontational way. Have ideas ready to share on how you believe they can help. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need from them. They may not realise how they are making you feel.

Tell your partner that you are going to meet the grandparent(s), so if they get a call after the meeting, they are not caught unawares. Or, if the issues are significant enough, you could go together, you are a team after all.

And if the interference continues, talk to your partner about how to stop it. It could be that you avoid some of the visits to grandparents and that your partner and the kids go together or that you limit visits until they get the message or that you meet again to give them one more opportunity to mend their ways.

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Most grandparents are super and they love the idea of helping without having the responsibility of raising the child. The bond between grandparents and grandchildren can give so much pleasure to everyone so, if issues can be resolved and not left to fester, you can all reap the benefits.

Over to you now. Do your kids’ grandparents interfere with parenting? Let us know in the comments box below. 

The post Practical Tips On What To Do If Grandparents Are Interfering With Parenting appeared first on MyKidsTime.

Don’t miss the chance to have your say! We’re looking for parents to get involved and give their feedback on all aspects of family life. Find out more here.

I’m a stepdaughter myself, and I’m lucky that my relationship with my stepmother is a positive one.

If you are a step parent then a positive relationship with your stepchild is a great thing – you can be an extra adult that cares and someone they can rely on as they grow and mature. A strong, encouraging relationship with all family members is really essential for any household to have harmony.

If you are a new step parent, or about to be, here are some tips for a smooth transition:

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How to Be a Step Parent

#1. Set Expectations

It’s important that you set expectations that are realistic. Your stepchild is not going to necessarily love you from day one. It’s not going to be an easy relationship because there’s always the ‘step’ nature to your relationship (“You’re not my mom”).

Try not to be wildly optimistic beforehand, as you may just have your hopes dashed. Instead take a measured approach that over time you can become close to your stepchild; it is just going to need a lot of work, space and time.

#2. Plan Ahead

With step relationships, especially those where the families live in different places, you’ll need to plan ahead quite a bit. From travel arrangements between homes and organising collection times to activities and even food. Plan ahead and this will make things easier.

#3. Take Some Space

Allow your partner to have time with their child; similarly give yourself space so you don’t get overwhelmed, and make room for feelings to erupt.

Transition times between houses can be tough on kids, so build in extra time around those pick ups and drop offs so you can give the child extra attention in the hours before and after they change households.

#4. Involve the Child

As you make plans, make sure to involve the child so they feel part of the planning and decision-making process.

Depending on the age of the child, involve them in discussions about arrangements, days spent with each parent, weekend and holiday plans, etc.

#5. Don’t Forget to Communicate

Good communication is essential for positive relationships, no matter what type of family it is. Blended families and stepfamilies need to make sure that communication is even better because of separate households.

#6. Always Be Respectful

Always, always, always speak of other parents with respect. While it can be tough with the situation at hand, all kids want their parents to be respected – and all parents deserve to be treated politely and civilly. Even if you can’t get along with the other parent, be courteous and respectful of them.

#7. Spend Time Together

Taking some time alone with your stepchild is essential to get to know who they are, what they’re thinking, what they like and don’t like, and so on.

This time together will help you both learn about each other, and will offer the opportunity to appreciate each other for who you are. Remember that the child may only have heard about you via other people, so a chance to get to know you on their own terms is essential.

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#8. Find a Common Interest

Try to find a shared interest or activity that you can do together to build a bond. Take a lead from the child and if they suggest something, go with the flow; you may even enjoy doing a new activity with them!

If the child is resistant or unenthusiastic about this, you need to be resilient and persevere. Don’t force the issue, but continue to offer the opportunity to do something together.

#9. Have An Outlet

It’s a tough job being a stepparent, and you may not feel like you can vent to your partner, so find a friend who is happy to be your outlet. Let off steam and get a respite from the stress now and again.

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Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Step Parent

Let’s sum it up with a list to remember:

1. DON’T try too hard to make an instant bond, allow time.
2. DO agree on rewards, punishments, discipline, etc with your new partner and their ex so you are all on the same parenting page.
3. DON’T discourage your stepchild from having one-on-one time with your partner.
4. DO be ready to hear, “You’re not my real mom/dad”.
5. DON’T take it personally.
6. DO make sure to laugh with each other – humour can really help!

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What are the pitfalls you face as a step parent? Leave a comment below and let us know – we’d love to hear from you!

The post Step Up: Top Tips for Becoming a Step Parent appeared first on MyKidsTime.

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Making date night a priority, despite the demands on your time, is important. Even an hour of focused time together can really reignite things.

So, make date night a regular thing – you don’t have to spend a fortune (some of our date night ideas are actually free) and get set for a fun time with your partner, just like you used to do.

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Fun Date Night Ideas

#1. Have a Laugh

Check out your local comedy club and book tickets for a night of laughter to release those happy endorphins and leave you both feeling recharged.

#2. Escape…Together!

Escape rooms are all the rage with new ones opening all the time. If you are up for the challenge, book a visit to an escape room and let your competitive side out!

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#3. Travel Back in Time

Remember all those bands you used to go and see? Well how about rediscovering some old favourites or discovering some new acts. Check out what gigs are coming up and surprise your significant other with tickets.

#4. Take a Cookery Class

Even if one (or both) of you are amateur home-cooks, there are some great cookery courses on offer that will teach you both some new tips, skills and cuisines. The best bit? You get to eat it at the end of the class.

#5. Kitchen Cook-Off

If cooking in public isn’t your thing, try it out at home. Pick a recipe you’ve never made and give it a go together. (Personally, we would kill each other doing this one, but I know plenty of people who enjoy it!)

#6. Sit on the Sidelines

If there is a sport you both enjoy, get tickets to go see a match. It doesn’t have to be the team you usually support, just go to soak up the atmosphere.

#7. Go Dancing

There’s nothing quite like letting loose on the dance floor, so get your dancing shoes on for a night on the town. Alternatively, take your dancing somewhere extraordinary!

#8. Dinner Date

For a classic date night idea, book your favourite restaurant for dinner for two and let someone else do the cooking and clearing for a change!

#9. Break for Lunch

If getting out for dinner is harder than it used to be, how about sneaking in a relaxed lunch date? You’ll feel like teens again, meeting in the middle of the day when you don’t usually see each other.

#10. Something Sweet

If your budget doesn’t allow for a meal out, what about just grabbing some dessert? There are few things better than an ice cream and sprinkles…or maybe that’s just me!

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#11. Go On a Mystery Tour

Plan a mystery tour with your other half. Whether you strike out in the car or take a train, boat or bus to visit a secret destination, it will be fun for both the person organising and the person who doesn’t know where they are going!

#12. Look Up Old Haunts

There are many places that hold special memories for couples for lots of different reasons, so re-visit some of your old haunts together and re-live the early days.

#13. Browse Around

Wrap up and take a wander around a local car-boot sale or market – it can be a real treasure trove of exciting finds.

#14. Head to a Farmer’s Market

If antiques or bric-a-brac don’t interest you, what about a trip to a local farmer’s market? Munch your way around, tasting lots of fun snacks and foods, and pick up some treats to bring home.

#15. Sing Your Heart Out

What’s your love song? Karaoke is always a fun night out – and a hilarious option for date night!

#16. Splash Out

Bribe the babysitter (or the in-laws) and take your other half away for a surprise night. You don’t have to go far – even staying locally can be an exciting prospect.

#17. Try a Double Date

We all have friends we haven’t see for ages, so organise a double date to catch up on all the news.

#18. Get Cultural

Is there a new exhibition opening or a new play coming to the theatre? Enjoy what your area has to offer and go to an art gallery, theatre, church, museum or other venue for a date night of culture.

#19. Strike Out

While bowling shoes may not be the typical date night attire, getting competitive at the bowling lanes is great fun!

#20. Get Sweaty

…at a gym class! Try a new class, or one you both enjoy, for a rush of exercise-induced endorphins.

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Free Date Night Ideas

#1. Have a Game Night

Who doesn’t love a board game? Have a giggle together over some good old-fashioned fun – or get the Scrabble board out with only love-themed words allowed!

#2. Go For a Stroll

Head out into the evening with no plan except for a walkabout. Whether you end up stargazing or people watching or even down the local for a quick drink, it is the ideal activity for a catch up with each other.

#3. Grab the Popcorn

Whether you head out to see the latest blockbuster at the cinema or curl up together on the sofa, a movie date night can be great fun – you just have to agree on what movie to watch!

#4. Look for Treasure

Have you ever tried geocaching? It’s like a grown-up treasure hunt where you have to figure out the clues to progress. Look for geocaching info in your are to get started.

#5. Splash in the Sea

There is something wonderful about a walk on the beach – even when the weather is blustery and there’s a chill in the air. Breathe in all that glorious sea air as you walk along.

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#6. Look at the Stars

Take a seat in the garden (or out of the city) and just look up. Can you spot a shooting star?

#7. Pack a Picnic

If the weather is good, head off to the local beach or a romantic countryside spot and have a picnic. For days when the weather is not so good, prepare an indoor picnic that you and your partner can enjoy on a rug in front of the fire.

#8. Smell the Roses

Skip the expensive flower bouquet and instead take a walk around the botanical gardens, or other beautiful gardens in your area.

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#9. Get Active

From swimming to bike riding or running to golfing, head out on an active date taking in a hobby or pastime you both enjoy, but may have neglected lately.

#10. Make an Effort

Sometimes just having a special dinner ready or lighting some candles to go with your evening meal is all it takes for a perfect date night.

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Do you have any more date night ideas we should add to our list? Leave a comment below and let us know – we’d love to hear from you!

The post 30 Fun and Creative Date Night Ideas You’ll Love appeared first on MyKidsTime.

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“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” – Henry Ford

One of the biggest challenges of parenting with a partner is the fact that on many occasions you will have different ideas on how to bring up your children.

Each parent comes with a different personality, a different family background, and different ideas on what is important when it comes to raising their children – and this can lead to regular conflict in the parenting stakes.

In fact one of the most common arguments between couples is about how to bring up their children and their different parenting styles. This seems to be the case whether the parents are married or cohabiting, and even whether they are living together or not (as in the case of separation or divorce).

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The Best Ways to Co Parent

Support Each Other’s Own Way of Parenting

We often hear the idea as to how important it is for parents to work as a team or to present a united front to the children. To use a popular metaphor, parents are often advised that they should learn to ‘sing off the same hymn sheet’ so they can act in unison and employ the same approach.

While at face value this is of course good advice, what I have come to realise is that it is far more important that parents should support each other’s different or unique way of parenting rather than necessarily parenting exactly the same way.

Children can tolerate a great deal of difference in parenting styles and even tolerate different discipline approaches between their parents without it being detrimental to them. In fact such differences can be rich and rewarding to children as they experience two different parenting approaches and learn from two different adult role models about how to behave.

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Avoid Conflict and Undermining

What is very damaging and upsetting to children is witnessing their parents in constant conflict or repeatedly undermining each other.

The key point here is that high levels of negative parental conflict is associated with poor outcome for children, whether the parents live together or not. Thus parents who cooperate with each other and who learn to support one another (rather than undermine one another) help their children feel secure and content within the family.

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Learn to Support Each Other

Learning to support one another is especially important when you have different views about what the best way to parent is. This may mean supporting your partner’s discipline strategy in front of the children, even you don’t fully agree with it.

For example, if you come home and discover your partner has imposed a rule which you think is too strict on the children, rather than being righteous and jumping in to criticise, it can be useful to take a step back to empathically understand what happened.

The real test of this support is how you talk about your partner to your children. For example, if your son complains about how ‘mean’ their mum is about a certain rule, rather than joining in on your son’s complaint and in the end undermining your partner’s decision, it is important to support your partner and display respect towards her saying something like ‘I know you are upset but we have to keep your Mum’s rule’.

The key thing is to display respect towards your partner in front of the child –‘maybe your Mum was upset when she said it, let’s all talk later about it’.

It is this display of respect and support towards the other parent that is most beneficial for your children.  They see that even though their parents might disagree, they don’t bad mouth each other and always display respect towards the another. This not only provides your children with a role model of how to communicate, it also gives them a deep sense of security that their parents will always work together on their behalf.

Encourage Your Partner’s Relationship With Your Children on Their Terms

Effective co-parenting is also about encouraging your partner’s relationship with your children on their terms, and accepting that this might be different than how you relate to the children.

For example, you might worry about the horseplay your partner gets involved in with your child (concerned about the danger or mess), but if you take a step back you might see that this physical play is an important way of connecting for both of them, so you can decide to support this happening.

Learning to parent together is a big challenge, but crucial to your children’s well-being and sense of security. While of course some agreement about basic rules may be necessary, the key to successful co-parenting is to support your partner rather than necessarily having exactly the same approach.

To use the original ‘singing off the same hymn sheet metaphor’ – sometimes it is ok to sing different songs once they are in harmony.

3 Key Co Parenting Tips

In summary, the most important aspects can be boiled down to the following:

1. Support your partner’s relationship with the children on their terms – Both of you should have your own unique connection with each of your children. Such differences bring great richness to children’s lives.
2. Support your partner’s authority when it comes to discipline – Within reason, insist your children respect your partner’s decisions and rules when they are in charge even when you don’t totally agree with them. Where necessary, talk through rules in advance to get some common agreement and make sure to talk through parenting conflicts together, away from the children.
3. Model a respectful relationship with your partner – When talking to your partner in front of the children, show them how you respectfully communicate to each other. The real test of this respect is how you talk about your partner when he/she is not there especially when you or one of your children is annoyed at him/her. Learning to still display respect towards your partner, even in angry situations, provides a great role model to your children.

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Dr. John Sharry is a social worker, child and family psychotherapist and a leading innovator in solution-focused practice, with almost 30 years experience working with individuals, families and organisations. He is an adjunct professor at the school of psychology in University College Dublin. He is a regular contributor to national media and the author of 13 books, including 10 popular self-help books for parents, such as Positive Parenting and Bringing Up Happy, Confident Children.

This article was originally published in The Irish Times, where John writes a weekly column on health and family topics.

The post Finding it Hard to Agree? These Valuable Co Parenting Tips Will Help appeared first on MyKidsTime.

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I have to confess I have no in-laws. I never met my father in law as he was long dead before we married and my mother in law was very elderly and lived 6,000 miles away during our early marriage, and then died at a good old age without causing me any stress whatsoever. My only direct experience is how my husband views my parents, his in-laws but of course I am biased here as I think they are faultless!

In-law stress is a very real issue for many of you, though, and we see it on a daily basis with our clients. The issues are many and varied, from in-laws that are too involved, critical and judgemental, to those that offer no help or support.

In-laws can be a huge drain on your emotional and physical resources, especially if they themselves are emotionally needy or if they have health issues. The in-law issues can extend too beyond parent, and include brothers and sisters in-law.

#1. Be Less Sensitive

A lot of the problems arise when we have different expectations and we are too sensitive.

That may be easy enough for me to say, but if you are secure in your own marital relationship and have some solid self-esteem and resilience, then the chances are you will be able to handle some in-law stress as part and parcel of life.

#2. Ask Yourself Tough Questions

If your mother in-law’s criticism is really getting you down, or the snide remarks of a brother-in-law or his wife bring you to tears, than maybe it might be worthwhile asking yourself a few questions:

• Why does their opinion matter so much?
• Do they have a point?
• Are you by any chance over-reacting?

No one likes to ask or answer these questions, but they can really help you re-frame the problem, and see it in terms of how you deal with it.

It is unlikely you will be able change them, but you can change how you react to them.

#3. Practical Solutions

There are practical solutions too…  I am a great believer in ‘attack is the best form of defence’.

• Visit: If your parents-in-law are always complaining you never visit take the initiative and arrange e.g. two visits over the next three months. You don’t have to make every visit yourself send your partner with the kids.

• Stay in Touch: Find other ways to stay in touch.. send a card, make a quick call even a text to check in, will take no effort at all and may well be appreciated.

• Remember Important Dates: Remembering birthdays and other important family dates is an easy way to show you care without over committing yourself.

• Meet at Neutral Venue: Sometimes it can be good to meet on neutral territory if you can. Everyone tends to be a bit more relaxed, no one person is in charge of the house/situation, and it also offers you the opportunity to make a quick escape if necessary.

#4. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Take the time too to put yourself in their shoes, and consider if what you feel is criticism, is really coming from a negative place, or if they simply have a very different perspective from you.

My kids don’t always like visiting an elderly aunt, but we tell them the world is full of people you may not like, so this visit is great practice. We also tell them they owe it to their family to treat the older generation with some respect, even if the visits are not ‘fun’.

#5. Have a United Front

Having a united front with your partner also helps, but you do need to compromise. Remember your partner may be close to his/her parents or siblings and can’t understand what the fuss is about.

Unless you live very close to your in-laws, these interactions are unlikely to be any more than once a week so try to keep it in perspective.

#6. What is Best for Your Children

Sadly, we hear form a lot of grandparents now who are having problems dealing with their children and their grandchildren, after a divorce or separation.

Grandparents can be a great source of additional love and security for you and your children, so try to do your best to let them meet up even if you dread the hand-over or pick-up time.

#7. Let Go of Stress

Finally as we say to all our clients dealing with any issue, it is a function of how you view the problem and how much control you allow it to exert over your own feelings.

Sure there are truly terrible in-laws out there but most are just ordinary people with their own hang-ups and viewpoints. Unless there is something truly destructive going on, we suggest you try hard to let this stress go.

Go on try it and see.

Over to you! Share your practical tips on coping with in-law stress in comments below.

The post 7 Practical Tips on How to Handle Stress Caused by In-laws appeared first on MyKidsTime.